Mark* often worried that his relationship was uncommon. He really loved his girlfriend very much- he was even going to ask Suzie to marry him. Suzie has everything going for her- a great job, nice body, and she could even crack a great joke. In spite of all that, he has a nagging concern in the back of his head. . . . What if she’s not the one for me? She doesn’t fit my checklist. . . .  I need her, but do I really want her for the rest of my life?

Sandy was trying to figure out how to get her husband to spend more time with her and do things around the house. Both Richard and Sandy worked long hours at their respective jobs and had an active role in the community, with their friends, and with family. Naturally, they had little time left over for spending quality time together and getting things cleaned up at their home. Sandy was starting to feel frustrated and tired.

Do any of these situations sound familiar to you? All too often, communication issues can lead to dissatisfaction and an overall feeling of a loss of control over the situation. Over time, if your needs aren’t being met, you feel your confidence and self esteem decreasing.

How can you get what you want and need out of the relationship your in, in addition to the other person getting what they want and need?  Like anything else, it needs a lot of practice, persistence, and patience. I will give you a few tips that you can start using today to accomplish just that. Keep in mind that not all of my ideas will work for everyone, just as one size doesn’t always fit all. Please pick and choose the one that works for you.

The negotiation of wants and needs

The first thing I want you to do is think about what you really feel like you need but aren’t getting. If, for example, your having conflicting feelings about your significant other, what would tip you on the direction of being happy with them? Maybe you feel like you need more sex in your current relationship, or perhaps you feel like you need more emotional intimacy.  Don’t be afraid to be really honest here with yourself.

Now, I’d like you to make a list of ALL the things that are important to you in a relationship (keep in mind how that relates to other things you’ve got going on in your life as well), with 1 being the most important and the last item on the list being the least important. At which point does each item become a deal breaker in a relationship if their not being met? In other words, can you live without having X, Y, or Z?

Here’s where you start with your communication in this relationship.  Ask your partner what their priorities are in the relationship, from the couldn’t live without to maybe could live without. I know this might be a little bit difficult, but also ask them what they feel like their not getting enough of in the relationship.

The great thing about asking your partner what they want is so you can gain a better idea of their needs and wants in the relationship. They will also feel heard.

Here’s the part where the negotiations come in handy. For example, if you want more intimacy and your partner wants you to cook and clean more, would this be a fair trade off? This way, both your needs are being met.

Talking about wants and needs early on in a romantic relationship will help you determine if your compatible or not. It will also prevent any further miscommunications about what you or your partner expect out of the relationship.

Sleep on it?

Perhaps you’ve heard the debate about whether or not to finish a fight before going to bed. There have been numerous studies on this, and they all seem so conflicting. Some say finish the fight and moving on is the best technique and others say its better to wait and discuss it on a clear head. Some proponents of finishing the argument right away leads to less on going stress, while some advocate waiting to finish the fight is important because after some time apart from the fight, you are able to re-evaluate the topic a little more clearly.

Instead of making heads or tails of either argument, I actually think it would be better to do a little of both here. The main key here is to fight fairly- if your going to discuss something, talk about the topic at hand and only the topic at hand. No name calling or saying things out of spite.

Every person is a little different in each situation, so you first need to figure out their arguing style. For example, do they like to solve things quickly or do they like to think about things and decide at a later time?

If you find that you have a similar style of resolving problems, great! Your on the right start. Both of you can solve the argument at a pace that’s convenient.

On the flip side, if you find that your arguing style is completely different, you need to come in the middle here and make a compromise to make a compromise.  How do you do that, though? Well, start with telling the other person your feelings (and no blaming). For example, it can be as simple as saying, “When you forgot to pick up the milk on the way home, I don’t feel heard.”

After discussing feelings and telling them why X, Y, or Z is so important to you, let them discuss their point of view. It is important to let them feel heard too. Come back to the argument after you’ve both had some time to cool off and figure out where you want to go from here. Make a plan of action.

Regardless of you arguing style, it is important to not make rash or hasty decisions. Discuss openly feelings and thoughts about a situation at first, but hold back on making big life changing choices based on one disagreement.

Date night!

My third and final suggestion is to make a special date night every week. You may also want to have a quality talk at the end of the night just to make a connection in addition to your date- this doesn’t have to be long, it can be ten minutes.

The reason that you want to have a date night (or time with each other every night) is so that you can talk about the bigger issues. If you haven’t already asked your partner, find out what their priorities are in life. For example, are they seeking fulfillment, love, passion, creativity, inspiration, power, or happiness?  It’s OK if your priorities don’t match- you can gain some perspective on their point of view and their driving force.

On your weekly date, it is also important to dream. What do you want next week, next month, next year? While that may seem small, having a dream together will give you a common goal to work towards. You’ll be working together to get to where you want to be in life.

Having a date night where you both are talking about the future and what you want out of life is a great way to communicate your wants and needs in a constructive way.

If you feel like your still having difficulties in your relationship and getting your needs met, please contact me. I can help you out.

*Names and specific stories are fictitious.