Fetishes are becoming less and less of a taboo issue these days, but for some it remains a constant struggle when it comes to long- term relationships.

I recently read an online article that described fetishism as this: ‘Fetishism is the sexual arousal brought on by any object, situation or body part not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.’ *

For those that have fetishes, whether it be a foot fetish, nylon fetish, or dominatrix fetish, telling a potential love interest about it may be a scary prospect. I’ve talked to and helped many people with this problem and we came down to three basic solutions and being able to follow through with them. If you find yourself in a situation where you have a fetish but haven’t told your partner yet, then think about all three carefully and then make your decision.

Staying in the relationship and continuing with the fetish
While some relationships can be built upon fetishes (like dominatrix or S & M fetishes), others are sometimes hidden- like for example a fetish with a particular item of clothing.

For those that don’t tell their partner about their fetish right from the start, they often fear the other person’s reaction in the relationship. There is one of two possibilities in this kind of situation- either they think that their fetish is socially unacceptable and therefore unlovable, or they fear that the other person will not like it and make them give it up.

If your in a relationship and you want to tell your partner, keep in mind how important it is for you. In a win- win situation, your partner will be open about it and willing to try this with you. One way to determine what the other person potentially thinks of it, bring it up casually in a conversation. For example, “What did you think of that movie last night when that actor seemed to really enjoy the actresses feet?” Depending on their reaction, you may want to take baby steps or come out and tell them about your fetish.

While I would advocate for honest and open communication, sometime the fetish can be incorporated into the relationship without it being talked about or made an issue of. For example, if you have a foot fetish, try rubbing the other person’s feet or holding them. As a girl, I love having my feet rubbed and touched, so it would be a non- issue.

Revealing a secret like a fetish may seem intimidating- especially if you fear rejection, but keep in mind this might be a great opportunity to have your relationship develop further. If they seem into it, then you know that person is definitely worth keeping around for a while.

Keeping the fetish but not continuing in the relationship
For some people, fetishes are a part of who they are fundamentally. In one extreme, the person may think that this has made them who they are but it is really embarrassing and they really want to ‘get rid’ of it. If this is something the person really wants to do, they can do this through a series of therapy- for example desensitization. In this case, the fetish becomes a non- issue. We’ll get to this more later.

On the other hand, the fetish makes the person who they are and they couldn’t live life without it. It has been ingrained upon them and they don’t want to give it up.

When someone has such a deeply held fetish they want to keep around and they haven’t told their partner yet, the partner’s acceptance is particularly important. If it doesn’t cause harm to other people, yourself, or your regular daily life, giving it up wouldn’t make much sense anyways.

Depending on the circumstances, it may be a big surprise for your partner to find out about it and they might not understand at first. Give them time to come around and ask questions. Remember, it took some time for you to integrate this part of who you are into your lifestyle, so it may take them some time as well.

If your partner does not like your fetish and you don’t want to give it up, it is time to let go of the relationship. While this is not desirable, think about it in this way: if they can’t accept your fetish, it was never meant to be. You deserve to be in a relationship where your partner tries to understand you and loves every part of who you are.

Staying in the relationship and getting rid of the fetish
While this may also seem undesirable to some people, it may also be the only option. Really look at the fetish on a deeper level and ask yourself the following questions to see if this is the best choice for you:
  • Is it interfering with your job, family life, or social obligations?
  • Is it causing you to go into debt?
  • Has it become an obsession for you and you think about it ALL of the time?
  • Is it causing you or someone else physical harm (to the extent medical attention is needed)?
  • Is it negatively effecting your life in some other extreme way?
If you said yes to any of the above questions, it is probably time to consider giving up the fetish, regardless of the relationship your in.

In most cases, I wouldn’t recommend giving up a fetish for a relationship if any of the above are not affirmative. I am a firm believer that communication is key in everything- I also believe fetishes are a part of your personality, good or bad. Perhaps this may just be a clashing of personalities if it can’t be resolved.

The only reason that I would advocate for getting rid of the fetish if none of the items in my checklist are affirmative: The person wants to get rid of it from the get- go. If the person gets rid of the fetish because the partner insists upon it, it can lead to resentment and other bad feelings.

If you still need some questions answered and need some additional coaching, give me a call. I can answer questions, role play the conversation you might have with your partner, or if you just have some questions about the relationship your in, I’m available to help.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fetishism