About Feelings Network

Writing a Mission Statement for your Marriage or Relationship

Corporations and even small companies develop what is known as a Mission Statement for their businesses. A Mission Statement is a global plan which gives meaning and purpose for the business, for the management team, and for the employees to help guide them in a direction that is pre determined. Often mission statements will include elements of social relevance, moral and ethical guidance, desires for a particular public image, and expectations for the path of growth. Once in place, mission statements can be used as grounding for decision making. For example, if a decision was to be made and there was question about how the results would effect or fit into the relationship, the mission statement could be used as the point of reference. You could refer to the mission statement to see if the results of a decision would fit into the grand plan, or if it would go against what the relationship was about. In this way, in times of conflict inside a relationship, you can also refer to the mission statement to help you see where you may be getting off track and remind yourselves what the foundations of your intentions for each other are. Mission statements can be brief, or they can be more comprehensive. They may even be amended as a couple finds and defines their purpose more clearly. In the beginning of a relationship the statement might be as simple as: “We are here to create a loving, nurturing, and supportive environment for ourselves and each other, to maintain and foster personal growth and happiness.” It might say “We will always honor our own religious convictions and respect those of others.” You can add any ethical moral stances you might take as a couple. As time goes on and when/if children are added to the family, it might be added that you are both there to “foster excellence in interpersonal relationship skills and provide the best environment for academic growth in a respectful, loving and supportive way.” It might say “Demonstrating by example the type of love and support we expect children to follow.” When people are in conflict, under stress, and not treating each other with kindness and respect, it would be easy to see how that would “go against the mission statement” and help couples to see when they are not living up to their own expectations and pre-determined values. Get creative, brainstorm together, write a number of draft mission statements, and have fun together creating a “vision” for the two of you, for yourself, and for your family of what you want your life to be about. I would venture to assume that when relationships wind up on the rocks, or marriages wind up in a divorce court, that the couple worked very little on designing a plan which they worked to maintain all along. Sit down with your partner, and start talking about writing your marriage/relationship Mission Statement soon! Judith L. Allen, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC Clinical Member of: AAMFT, APMHA, ADCA, ISMHO

If I Seek Counseling, Am I Crazy?

 

People who seek counseling are not crazy.  They are not even necessarily sick.  They are simply seeking the answers they need in what is an increasingly complex world. 

Our society has changed over the years. As farmers, we got up in the morning and worked the land.  Our neighbors did the very same, and if there was a drought or a flood, everyone pulled together. The community would jump in to assist when individuals needed help. You knew your neighbors, families were large, and everyone stuck together. Life was hard, but simple. And worries were few, although options were few too. If your father was a farmer, odds were you would be a farmer. 

Life has changed in today's world. Families are splintered and we often do not know our neighbors. With the industrial revolution, people have moved into the cities, and we no longer work the land. We work for others for pay, and with the technological revolution, we can get anywhere quickly and get information almost instantaneously.  

Despite the advantages of today's technology, there is a price we pay. The farmer was in control of his entire life. He built his own house; repaired his tools and worked according to the seasons. He defined his own needs and was his own boss, even if his choices were narrow.  We have far more opportunities today than our ancestors had, but along with those opportunities come a lot of stress. Sometimes we are still asking ourselves what we want to be when we grow up - well into our 50’s and 60’s. With shifts in society, our opportunities shift and change also. You might be laid off at middle age, or your work might become obsolete. Then, what do you do? 

Advertising tells us we should look sexy, have the newest car and own the biggest home. We are bombarded by the message that people who have the most money will be the happiest.  However, often when we achieve these superficial goals, we are still unhappy, and confused about why. 

In our society today, individuals are not expected to know everything!  We have specialists now for almost every service. If your car breaks down, you take it to a mechanic. If your computer needs work, you call a technician.  If you get sick, you go to a doctor, and even depending on what is wrong with you, you look for a specialist in that particular type of medicine.  Calling a mental health professional is not different from finding the right specialist for your health or the health of your automobile or computer. It's no different from seeing a medical doctor for an ailment, or health maintenance. 

Therapy can serve many functions - whether you're unhappy with some habits you've developed or you want a serious and private discussion about what stops you from being happy.  Mant adults have childhoods that lacked the tools and validation needed to have good self esteem.  Often people did not have a healthy environment to learn how to set boundaries or to address the after effects of childhood neglect, trauma, or abuse.

The value of a mental health professional is that they are a specialist who has been trained to help individuals who may feel stuck in their lives, have concerns about what is "normal" with regards to thoughts and behaviors, have conflicted relationships with a loved one or co-worker, need someone to discuss a sensitive issue with, or feel emotionally isolated from the rest of the world.  The licensed professional therapist  has been trained to help you find the answers that you want and need, in a safe, supportive environment with the utmost confidentiality.   

If you feel that a professional might be able to assist you in getting on a path to a happier life, why hesitate to call one now, or see a therapist face to face in an office setting?  The telephone can offer additional privacy and you don't need to reveal who you are to the therapist.  

No, you're not crazy, you just think you deserve a specialist!

Dr. Judith L. Allen

Understanding the Nature of Stress

Stress is different for each of us. What is stressful for one person may or may not be stressful for another; each of us responds to stress in an entirely different way.

Positive vs. Negative Stress: Stress can be perceived as positive or negative, dependent on the person, the situation, but mostly the perception of what is happening.  It’s important that whether the stress is caused by healthy changes or dealing with new unexpected circumstances, that we manage it, so that we don’t have too much to deal with at one time.  When stress is managed, it prevents being overwhelmed by it – and actually improves our outlook on life.  A completely stress-free life is often reported as dull or boring.

You can manage stress effectively by prioritizing: Stresses and the problems that cause it are not created equal.  Small problems can be dealt with more quickly as you gain confidence in finding solutions.  Then, with the added skills, you can tackle the stress related problems more effectively.  Don’t look at all stress as equal and by doing so, react to the enormity of the total of everything causing stress.

Find creative ways to deal with stress which fit best for you: Instead of listening to experts on stress, get to know yourself and what helps you to feel good about life.  For example, some people thrive on relaxation, and it helps them to regenerate and go back into the stress with renewed energy.  Others may need sports activities, working out, or some high risk activity to make stress more minimal and deal with it better.  Which one are you?  Design your own plan.

Look closer for symptoms of stress: Increased blood pressure over an extended period can be a sign of the body dealing with stress.  Lack of concentration, headaches, stomach problems, sleeping too little or too much, or feeling that you need to be alone for extended periods of time can all be symptoms of stress that you are not paying attention to.  Symptoms tell you to get a change of pace, learn more how to relax, or even change the way you are living your life.  Many times the things we are tolerating in our lives can create a type of stress which can be eliminated.

If you have a stressful situation it often helps to talk it out with a friend or therapist.  If you’re dealing with a life situation that is stressful to you, and you’d like to have a brief telephone consultation, please feel free to call me to discuss any subject or issue.  This is a great way to take care of you and stay healthy.

I look forward to working with you soon!

Dr. Judith L. Allen

State Board Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

State Board Licensed Professional Counselor

State Board Licensed Registered Counselor

Clinical Member AAMFT

Clinical Member of American Distance Counseling Association (http://ADCA-Online.org)

 

References:

American Psychological Association