posted
Tuesday, August 31, 2010 3:20 PM
by
compassionateandcaring
I’ve given much thought to what makes a healthy
relationship and what makes an unhealthy relationship, as I am sure many
others have. Whether its your relationship with your husband, wife,
brother, sister, mother or son, at some point some of our relationships
can be a strain.
So, what, you might ask, is the tipping point
that makes a healthy relationship unhealthy and when is it time to get
out or cut ties?
At the end of the day, if you ARE wondering
what makes your relationship healthy or not, the first question you want
to ask yourself is: ‘How do you see the future of your relationship and
do you easily see them in it?’ Trust your gut instinct on this …Do you
see yourself happy with them overall and do they fit with your
lifestyle? Or do you see yourself arguing about the same things over and
over again until arguing is pretty much all you do? While it is
reasonable to expect that one person shouldn’t make you happy or
‘complete you’, they shouldn’t make your life completely miserable
either.
Another way to know if your in a healthy relationship is
if you are allowed to be yourself and they are allowed to be
themselves. In other words, is there an unconditional love established
where both of you feel safe and secure? Do you validate each other and
can you have a satisfying intellectual conversations? A healthy
relationship also isn’t about power and control. When considering these
things, remember to keep in mind that while it is great to have some of
the same goals in life (and no ‘deal breakers’ in romantic
relationship), differences can be good and make life interesting.
On
the flip side, there are signs you need to recognize that you are in a
unhealthy relationship. These symptoms are the opposite of what a
healthy, loving relationship is. An unhealthy relationship is one where
seeing the other person is unpleasant, you don't feel heard or
validated, and you feel very uncomfortable in general. Even if you can
understand where they are coming from and see why they are doing the
things they are doing, it is very hard for you to be happy when you are
in an unhealthy relationship.
While these are the basic, and most
simplistic, ways of knowing if you are in a satisfying/ healthy
relationship or an unhealthy relationship, not all relationships are
perfect or what we want them to be exactly. And not all ties are easily
cut. Trying to mend relationships (in most relationships that aren’t
toxic or abusive) is a good way to go, especially if small kids need to
be considered. Talking to an unbiased third party is one way you can do
that and will help you feel validated again.
If you’d like to
talk about what makes a healthy relationship healthy or how to mend
broken bonds, give me a call and I can help you with what your going
through or be your supportive ear to talk to. Want to add to what you
think makes a healthy/ unhealthy relationship? Feel free to respond
below. I look forward to hearing from you.
posted
Friday, July 16, 2010 2:25 PM
by
compassionateandcaring
I thought I would today to ask you this question, 'What inspires or motivates you?' Take a minute
to think about it. There is no perfect answer here, so go ahead and be
honest with yourself. Now just write down on a piece of paper what your
top five are.
Not sure what to write? Here is an example:
1.
To be happy,
2. To provide emotional and financial support to my
family,
3. To find peace,
4. To be successful at my job,
5.
Just to enjoy life.
Really take a minute to look at what you
write down. Once you put down your list of top five things that inspire
you to get out of bed every morning, prioritize them from number 1 being
the most important part, and number 5 being the least important.
Even
if you don't agree with the law of attraction (which you can find in
The Secret), you will see some themes arise in your life. Simply put
your inspiration (or motivation) attracts what you really want in life.
However, the content of your thoughts also can attract things
(whether they be good or bad), and can be in conflict with what you
really want in life. If you think something bad will happen today and
if, by chance, something does, you will start to think about it more and
more. This, unfortunately, will create a negative pattern in your life
that will be hard to break out of. Conversely, if your main thoughts are
positive, you will remember all the good things that happen through the
day.
I know from personal experience if I start having a bad
day and focusing on the bad stuff, it gets even worse by the end of the
day. So, I revisit what my inspirations are and try to figure out what
they are. I think about the positives in my life, what I'm grateful for,
and what I really want, which cheers me up. What about you? Does your
true inspiration in life match what you think about when no one is
around?
Let me ask you again, what inspires you deep down
inside? I challenge you to really focus on it and think about it through
the day. If your inspiration is to enjoy life, then try to enjoy life
today. Even if this sounds like 'fluff' to some of you, I would suggest
to you to give it your full attention and focus for at least the rest of
the day. You'll be surprised how much your thoughts affect you. And
chances are, if you think positively, you'll have a better day overall.
Let me know what you think. I would enjoy hearing about your experiences.
posted
Tuesday, April 20, 2010 11:45 AM
by
compassionateandcaring
While many people wouldn’t quantify their lonely
moments as loneliness demons, in a way they can be. That’s because
loneliness is something that humans have to deal with, just like any
other emotions or feelings- for some it is a daily thing, for others it
comes and goes. Its something everyone would feel from time to time,
regardless of how many people are around.
Loneliness has many
common denominators. Two of which I will talk about. The first of which
is relate-ability or connectivity. The second of which is more obvious-
actually being alone and having no one to really live the experience
with. But, as I am sure you well know, being alone and lonely don‘t
always happen together, but not mutually exclusive either.
What
can be done about this problem? The answer is simple in theory but
difficult in practice- and that is taking the plunge and trying to make
the connection with others. On a very basic level, everyone has moments
of self- doubt, contentment with the current situation, or a very basic
fear of rejection. I’ve personally been there myself too in the past and
can understand how difficult it is.
In order to truly make any
changes or let go of the loneliness demons, one must truly be willing to
be vulnerable and open. Open to change and an experience that may be
uncomfortable at first. Because, the bottom line is, do you really want
to hang on to the demon that is familiar?
If you need someone to
talk to about what your going through, I am available to talk to. I can
encourage you to take the next step.
posted
Monday, January 18, 2010 11:43 AM
by
compassionateandcaring
It's a cool, rainy day where I am. There are a couple storms coming in-
all of which will help the dry land here. So, I think it's a very nice
day to stay inside and drink cocoa with little marshmallows and
contemplate things.
While rain may have it's disadvantages, I
have long believed rain regenerates life- the green outside and, for
me, a chance to reaffirm life's good points and a time to make goals. I
call it the spring cleaning in my head. You may laugh at that, but
there is one good reason I say that: good feelings follow good
thoughts, which is followed by improved quality of life.
Winter
may cause many people to suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder),
brought on by shorter days and less sun. Which is why now is the
perfect time for you to do a 'spring cleaning' for yourself.
If
you really think about it, WHAT are you thinking when your having a bad
day? Really think about it. . . . How is that different from when you
are having a good day? Chances are, when you are having a good day, you
are thinking about good things and not dwelling on the negative things.
During
your spring cleaning, you can imagine it as a meditation of sorts. You
can focus on the next few months (which is what I usually do), and
think of all the goals you have in life. Where do you see yourself? How
do you see things changing in your life?
An example here would
be looking at your finances. Do you see yourself getting out of debt or
finally saving for that emergency fund you've always wanted to start?
Make day to day goals for reaching that goal that are reasonable and
flexible. Think positively and reward yourself when you make reach part
of your goal.
While you start looking forward to your goals,
it is important to keep in mind your positive thoughts. It may be
tempting to think negative thoughts, it is important to realize
negative thoughts won't get you anywhere but a bad mood. On the other
hand, a positive, attainable goal and good thoughts will keep you
moving in a forward direction.
Even if the weather on the outside may be bad, things don't have to be bad on the inside.
Normally, I am a very happy and optimistic person. However, it was
yesterday evening I found myself in a bad mood. Why? I though about it.
Why was I really in a bad mood, anyways? I thought about it some more.
. .it came down to something that was, for the most part, out of my
control.
So, I decided to be proactive in the matter. I did
what I could to solve the problem and told myself not to worry about
it. Then, I distracted myself with something fun. I love a good movie,
so I sat down and watched a classic. Lo and behold, I had a good rest
of the evening.
It is normal to have highs and lows- everyone
has them (although some might not admit to it). How you handle them
means the difference between getting into a rut or letting those bad
days easily slip by into good days.
So, how do you handle bad
days? For a relatively effective fix, you can do the same thing I do.
First of all, make a list of the reasons you are feeling bad. Make a
sub- list. In the sub- list, you want to make two categories. The first
one is: Things you can change. The second sub- list is: Things that are
out of your control.
Do all the things in your 'can change'
sub- list. After you finish, you are left with your can't change list.
Go over it one more time, reminding yourself that it is, in fact,
something you can't change. Take a step back. And now, take a moment
to do something you enjoy, like playing basketball or video games. Make sure you are really distracting
yourself, so that by the end of it, you are not thinking about what has
put you in a bad mood.
Hopefully, by this time, you should even be in a good mood!
This
is just one technique I personally use and that I find effective. I
have many other ideas as well to feel good and . . .encouraged. If you
need more ideas on how to channel good feelings and get out of a bad
mood, let me know. I can offer you free minutes to start, so don't be
too shy to ask.
Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable with how you look and are self- conscious? Is it affecting your self esteem? There are a few simple techniques that can help you overcome some of the body image issues that you have. . .
The first thing you want to do is to look in the mirror and assess the issue you have. Do you have a problem with a double chin? Are you carrying a few extra pound around your waist? Or maybe you are unhappy with some new age lines that are popping up?
An easy way to feel more confident is to invest in clothes or makeup that flatters you and minimizes your flaws. For example, there are a few makeup tricks that a makeup artist can show you to minimize (or draw attention away from) any flaws you feel self- conscious about- even double chins and wrinkles.
Using specialized undergarments can also help you out for whatever problems you have- for example a little extra padding in key areas or Spanx in other areas might just do the trick. If you’re a man, there are also specific undergarments that can minimize certain areas (like a little extra weight around the belly) and other garments that would flatter you with a little padding, like your pecs.
While changing your makeup and clothes may seem like a quick fix, a makeover just might be what the doctor ordered. It can be especially helpful for those who have not figured out their style, anyone who has had a weight change, or for anyone who hasn’t changed their style in a while.
Another trick to help raise your self esteem (and confidence) is, while looking in the mirror, point out all the things you do like. If you like your smile, tell yourself you like your smile. This can also work for personality traits as well. If you think that you’re a good friend, tell yourself what a good friend you are. These little self encouragements will help keep you positive and raise your self- esteem.
A good thing about telling yourself that you like certain parts of your personality or you looks, is that it will subconsciously distract you and get you to not think about the negative things (or at least, a little bit less).
Most of all, as my title begins, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so in order to feel beautiful and confident, you must believe it yourself first.
Apart from how you actually look, another thing you can try to help boost your confidence is to be around supportive friends and family. Being around positive people can mean the difference between being comfortable and happy with who you are or being uncomfortable. Seriously!! Positive people will make you feel better because they will tell you all the good things they like about you and not try to bring you down.
Even if you can’t avoid negative people, remember their reflection of you shouldn’t be your true reflection of yourself, so don’t let their negative thoughts bother you.
Try these things out and see what a positive impact small little changes can make. Need more ideas? I have plenty. . .please feel free to contact me.
posted
Monday, December 14, 2009 1:33 PM
by
compassionateandcaring
If you are reading this, maybe you are curious about fetishes and wonder what it would be like to do something you’ve never done before. Maybe even for a couple of you, you started thinking about fetishes once you got married and wanted to incorporate some fun back into the relationship?
Fetishes can be a great way to bring the romance back into a relationship (if done well). . . .so how do you get started and maintain a healthy relationship as well? Coming from a woman’s perspective, I can give you a few tips on how to talk to your partner about trying a fetish to see if you both like it and find it benefits your relationship.
I think communication is the first and most important factor in starting the journey towards finding a satisfying fetish for both you and your partner. Test the waters here by first asking, ‘What do you think about. . . role play?’ or, ‘What to you think about fetishes?’
Another approach might just be, ‘I am thinking of trying something different in our relationship. Want to try (very mild version of what you want to do).’ Slowly build from there. See what they think of it and let them try it out.
When your approaching your partner about said fetish, don’t demand it, belittle them in anyway (like saying, ‘You never want to have fun with me!’), pout, or guilt them into doing it. They will only resent you for it.
Do ask nicely, show them how it would work, and tell them you respect their opinion and want them to at least think about this (and who doesn’t love being told their opinion is respected? )
At first, your partner might feel uncomfortable about it but it may grow on them, so that is why it is important to take it little by little. Also, it doesn’t make you feel as intimidated about approaching them.
Similar to preparing for a speech, you might want to practice in front of a mirror, and then on to role playing with someone else. This is where I can help you- I can role play a conversation you might have with your partner so you feel more confident in asking them.
Remember to have some fun with this! The anticipation of it may just be the best part.
If your partner refuses to do the fetish, communication can come in handy here. Perhaps they feel uncomfortable about a certain aspect about it. Talking about what makes them feel uncomfortable can give you both insight into your relationship. The foundation for a good relationship is communication, so talk through it.
Tell me about your fetish. What do you like? Are you ready to bring it into your relationship but are too nervous? Talk about it with me, I can help you out.
posted
Monday, December 07, 2009 2:48 PM
by
compassionateandcaring
Is there a memory in your life you feel affects
your current life and you can't 'get over it'? Maybe it was a childhood
event that traumatized you and it still hinders your daily life? Even
if it was out of your control and you weren't in a position of power at
the time, do you sometimes wonder if you went back in time, you could
change it somehow?
Even if your childhood memories are not
particularly bad or eventful, are you currently in a situation that you
feel completely powerless in or that you have no control over some
aspect of life? Do you keep on going over it again and again in your
mind, thinking about how bad it is but aren't sure what to do? Or are
you just feeling stuck and want to change your current situation?
While
change is inevitable and bad things happen all the time to both good
and bad people, the quality of your thoughts WILL effect your current
situations, regardless of when or where it happened.
For anyone
who is suffering from previous trauma (like during childhood), I will
talk about two different techniques used to overcome your negative
associations. Please note that these two therapies may not work in some
cases like rape or victims of physical violence.
Immersion
therapy is the best therapy for someone who has a phobia of some sort.
This is also a good treatment to overcome any kind of fears. I included
this therapy in my list because it is very common for people with
strong fears or phobias to miss out on something.
For example, a
fear or phobia of flying might hinder you from traveling to places you
may otherwise want to go to but can't because of their debilitating
reaction to flying.
In this therapy, the person is given steps to
overcome their fear or phobia. In my example, the first step might be
looking at a picture of a plane. They are then taken through a
relaxation session. The next step might be going to the airport. A new
series of relaxation techniques are used. The stages are continued
until they are able to successfully able to fly from one destination to
another.
Desensitization therapy is a good therapy for anyone
wanting to overcome something in stages through a less intense
treatment. This is also a great treatment for those that are also
suffering from phobias and other problems.
Desensitization is
described as: 'occurring when an emotional response is repeatedly
evoked in situations in which the action tendency that is associated
with the emotion proves irrelevant or unnecessary.'*
What's great
about desensitization is that anyone can do this. They can start out
with the help of a therapist to give them the tools they need and then
developing the skills to do it on their own so that the negative
thoughts reoccur less and less.
Even being able to talk about the
problem to friends, family and loved ones about the problem helps.
Simply put, when it is talked about more and more, the less pain one
feels in the long run. It is similar to the idea of being desensitized
by watching violence on TV, as desensitization of your negative
associations will be a gradual process and, in most cases, effective.
The
next form of therapy works well with someone currently facing some
issues they feel that they can't escape from. It could be any kind of
situation- from a bad working environment to not being able to get
along well with one's family. It can also help you if you are suffering
from something like overeating, smoking, or sex addictions.
NLP
is short for Neural Linguistic Programming. It is commonly associated
with Hypnosis and is not considered a science. This therapy shows you
how your neurological (Neural) associations with speech (Linguistic)
affect your daily life (programming).
In this specific therapy,
the therapist is not building on a deficit model (like most therapies),
where they 'fix a problem', but rather build upon the foundation.
Basically, clients are not thought of as being broken, but as doing the
best they can in their situation with what they already know. The
client is often even considered an expert in their own life- as no one
knows you as well as you do.
Sounds interesting, right? While the
founders may not be recognizable to most people that aren't in the
psychology field, you may be familiar with Tony Robbins. He is one of
the people that made this kinds of therapy common and well known. This
is a good option if you want to try something a little bit different.
If
you are suffering from negative thoughts or associations either from
your past or present, getting a trained therapist can help you through
the therapies I've recommended. I can also teach you how to use some of
these techniques in the comfort of your own home. You don't have to
suffer from your past or current situation anymore- you can overcome it!
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desensitization_therapy
Tired of feeling sad, lonely, depressed, or like you have no control of your
life? Or perhaps your symptoms are minor and you just hate the way you are
feeling? Its perfectly natural to have feelings like that- the good news is that
you don't have to let your diagnosis be the main theme in your life, just a part
of who you are. Here's a few tips to get there.
The first thing that you should do is to get a checkup with your primary care
physician. While talking to your doctor about depression and anxiety may seem a
little difficult, remember that they are there to help you out. The reason that
you would want to go to the doctor first is to get a checkup for any medical
problems underlying your symptoms.
If the doctor determines that you are suffering from either depression or
anxiety, he or she will discuss options for you. They can recommend a
psychiatrist, some medicine, or other treatments. While taking medicine is a
very personal choice, it can alleviate your symptoms and help you feel
better.
Choosing the right medication is a process, so if the first medication you
take doesn't work, don't give up. Depression and anxiety medication react
differently in everyone. Finding the one that works specifically for you might
take some time. And you don't need to be scared off by the price if your on a
tight budget. Drug companies are starting to work with patients and their
specific financial constraints. They might just give you your medication for
free if you qualify.
What do you do after you've been taking some medicine? Well, in long term
studies, it has been proven that those people who use medication in addition to
seeking therapy see the best results. It's ok to take some time here to find the
right one for you- some therapists you will automatically feel comfortable with
while others might not suit your specific needs. For those that suffer
specifically from depression and anxiety, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is
particularly effective, so ask your therapist to try this method with you
first.
There are also more natural ways to feel better. For example, St. Johns Wart
is a natural herbal supplement that specifically helps those suffering from
depression. Eating a healthy diet full of fruit, vegetables, and nuts will also
help lift your mood.
If your anxiety is severe, meditation is a great addition to any treatment
programs your already on to help alleviate your symptoms. An added bonus is that
meditation will also help reduce your blood pressure and stress levels.
Meditation might be a little bit difficult for some to do, but the main concepts
are fairly easy to follow. The key points include: finding a good and natural
posture, clearing your mind, and breathing very deeply in and out. While some
people prefer to do short meditation sessions all throughout the day, others
find they get more out of a longer session at specific times during the day.
These tips will get you started in the right way to feeling better.
Want more help? Through counseling and motivation, I can specifically help you think more positive, help you target and fix the specific triggers that cause the most pain, and give you the motivation to gain the quality of life your looking for.
It was a couple weeks ago when I started feeling a little bit low. I had started feeling more tired, my joints hurt, and my muscles ached. As much as I enjoyed going to the gym, I had no energy to go. I usually eat really healthy, go to the gym often, and things are going really well in my life. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so tired and low.
Coincidentally, I wanted to try a detoxification system to cleanse my body to see how it worked out. It was something that was always on my to-do list that I never got around to doing. I had researched many programs and wanted to try one that wasn’t restrictive, didn’t make me feel deprived, or cranky.
I went down to the nearest vitamin store and looked around for detox programs that cleansed your body in addition to putting essential nutrients in my body. I was extra careful to choose a program that allowed you to eat a healthy diet and didn’t cause dehydration at the same time.
The specific detox program I finally chose had nutrients added to it like probiotics. The directions had also recommended drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day and adding more fiber to my diet. I am a little embarrassed to admit it, but I know I don’t drink as much water as I should and I could always use a little more fiber, so I gave it a try.
Within the first day of trying my new detox system, the only difference that I noticed was my stomach hurt a little and I was frequenting the bathroom fairly often. Never one for giving up, I forged ahead to see if the results were as good as they claimed. The full program is 30 days long and I had wanted to see if I saw any results in the first week.
On my third day of my detox program, I went to the gym and checked my weight to see if there was any difference. I couldn’t believe I lost 3 pounds! I had originally started my detox program to help me with my digestion problems, so losing weight was a great bonus. That day at the gym, I was also really excited that I could get through most of my workout with out too much joint or muscle pain.
Still skeptical, I continued taking the herbal detox medication and going on with my regular life. I started noticing small differences- I had more of an appetite, I had more energy, and I started feeling better overall. I didn’t loose any more weight, but considering I wasn’t expecting to loose more than water weight, I was fine with that. Having more energy and feeling better was worth the risk so far.
Even though I am not finished with the month, I am excited with the results I already have and look forward to any more I might have.
The best part of my experiment? I no longer felt low. Turns out that all the fiber, water, and extra nutrients helped me feel happier.
While I wouldn’t necessarily recommend a detox for everyone, look at what your eating because it might be effecting your mood.
It is possible that, even if you lead a healthy lifestyle, that you may be doing something wrong with your diet if you don’t know why your feeling sad.
As always, check with your doctor first to make sure it isn’t something more serious like depression or a disease that is causing you to feel the way your feeling. If you do decide to do a detox program, research it thoroughly to make sure that it will produce results and not just hype.
So, I’m sure your all wondering why am I, a counselor, telling you about what to eat and why a detox might help? Well, I’ve talked to many people who seemed like they had everything going for them but they were still a little bit sad. Through helping them out and through my own experience, the good news is that you may not need psychotherapy for minor bouts of sadness. To reiterate, it is possible you might just need to add something to your diet that your body is lacking.
posted
Friday, November 13, 2009 6:07 PM
by
compassionateandcaring
Mark* often worried that his relationship was uncommon. He really loved his girlfriend very much- he was even going to ask Suzie to marry him. Suzie has everything going for her- a great job, nice body, and she could even crack a great joke. In spite of all that, he has a nagging concern in the back of his head. . . . What if she’s not the one for me? She doesn’t fit my checklist. . . . I need her, but do I really want her for the rest of my life?
Sandy was trying to figure out how to get her husband to spend more time with her and do things around the house. Both Richard and Sandy worked long hours at their respective jobs and had an active role in the community, with their friends, and with family. Naturally, they had little time left over for spending quality time together and getting things cleaned up at their home. Sandy was starting to feel frustrated and tired.
Do any of these situations sound familiar to you? All too often, communication issues can lead to dissatisfaction and an overall feeling of a loss of control over the situation. Over time, if your needs aren’t being met, you feel your confidence and self esteem decreasing.
How can you get what you want and need out of the relationship your in, in addition to the other person getting what they want and need? Like anything else, it needs a lot of practice, persistence, and patience. I will give you a few tips that you can start using today to accomplish just that. Keep in mind that not all of my ideas will work for everyone, just as one size doesn’t always fit all. Please pick and choose the one that works for you.
The negotiation of wants and needs
The first thing I want you to do is think about what you really feel like you need but aren’t getting. If, for example, your having conflicting feelings about your significant other, what would tip you on the direction of being happy with them? Maybe you feel like you need more sex in your current relationship, or perhaps you feel like you need more emotional intimacy. Don’t be afraid to be really honest here with yourself.
Now, I’d like you to make a list of ALL the things that are important to you in a relationship (keep in mind how that relates to other things you’ve got going on in your life as well), with 1 being the most important and the last item on the list being the least important. At which point does each item become a deal breaker in a relationship if their not being met? In other words, can you live without having X, Y, or Z?
Here’s where you start with your communication in this relationship. Ask your partner what their priorities are in the relationship, from the couldn’t live without to maybe could live without. I know this might be a little bit difficult, but also ask them what they feel like their not getting enough of in the relationship.
The great thing about asking your partner what they want is so you can gain a better idea of their needs and wants in the relationship. They will also feel heard.
Here’s the part where the negotiations come in handy. For example, if you want more intimacy and your partner wants you to cook and clean more, would this be a fair trade off? This way, both your needs are being met.
Talking about wants and needs early on in a romantic relationship will help you determine if your compatible or not. It will also prevent any further miscommunications about what you or your partner expect out of the relationship.
Sleep on it?
Perhaps you’ve heard the debate about whether or not to finish a fight before going to bed. There have been numerous studies on this, and they all seem so conflicting. Some say finish the fight and moving on is the best technique and others say its better to wait and discuss it on a clear head. Some proponents of finishing the argument right away leads to less on going stress, while some advocate waiting to finish the fight is important because after some time apart from the fight, you are able to re-evaluate the topic a little more clearly.
Instead of making heads or tails of either argument, I actually think it would be better to do a little of both here. The main key here is to fight fairly- if your going to discuss something, talk about the topic at hand and only the topic at hand. No name calling or saying things out of spite.
Every person is a little different in each situation, so you first need to figure out their arguing style. For example, do they like to solve things quickly or do they like to think about things and decide at a later time?
If you find that you have a similar style of resolving problems, great! Your on the right start. Both of you can solve the argument at a pace that’s convenient.
On the flip side, if you find that your arguing style is completely different, you need to come in the middle here and make a compromise to make a compromise. How do you do that, though? Well, start with telling the other person your feelings (and no blaming). For example, it can be as simple as saying, “When you forgot to pick up the milk on the way home, I don’t feel heard.”
After discussing feelings and telling them why X, Y, or Z is so important to you, let them discuss their point of view. It is important to let them feel heard too. Come back to the argument after you’ve both had some time to cool off and figure out where you want to go from here. Make a plan of action.
Regardless of you arguing style, it is important to not make rash or hasty decisions. Discuss openly feelings and thoughts about a situation at first, but hold back on making big life changing choices based on one disagreement.
Date night!
My third and final suggestion is to make a special date night every week. You may also want to have a quality talk at the end of the night just to make a connection in addition to your date- this doesn’t have to be long, it can be ten minutes.
The reason that you want to have a date night (or time with each other every night) is so that you can talk about the bigger issues. If you haven’t already asked your partner, find out what their priorities are in life. For example, are they seeking fulfillment, love, passion, creativity, inspiration, power, or happiness? It’s OK if your priorities don’t match- you can gain some perspective on their point of view and their driving force.
On your weekly date, it is also important to dream. What do you want next week, next month, next year? While that may seem small, having a dream together will give you a common goal to work towards. You’ll be working together to get to where you want to be in life.
Having a date night where you both are talking about the future and what you want out of life is a great way to communicate your wants and needs in a constructive way.
If you feel like your still having difficulties in your relationship and getting your needs met, please contact me. I can help you out.
*Names and specific stories are fictitious.
posted
Monday, November 02, 2009 4:31 PM
by
compassionateandcaring
Fetishes are becoming less and less of a taboo issue these days, but for some it remains a constant struggle when it comes to long- term relationships.
I recently read an online article that described fetishism as this: ‘Fetishism is the sexual arousal brought on by any object, situation or body part not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. The sexual acts involving fetishes are characteristically depersonalized and objectified, even when they involve a partner. Body parts may also be the subject of sexual fetishes in which the body part preferred by the fetishist takes a sexual precedence over the owner.’ *
For those that have fetishes, whether it be a foot fetish, nylon fetish, or dominatrix fetish, telling a potential love interest about it may be a scary prospect. I’ve talked to and helped many people with this problem and we came down to three basic solutions and being able to follow through with them. If you find yourself in a situation where you have a fetish but haven’t told your partner yet, then think about all three carefully and then make your decision.
Staying in the relationship and continuing with the fetish
While some relationships can be built upon fetishes (like dominatrix or S & M fetishes), others are sometimes hidden- like for example a fetish with a particular item of clothing.
For those that don’t tell their partner about their fetish right from the start, they often fear the other person’s reaction in the relationship. There is one of two possibilities in this kind of situation- either they think that their fetish is socially unacceptable and therefore unlovable, or they fear that the other person will not like it and make them give it up.
If your in a relationship and you want to tell your partner, keep in mind how important it is for you. In a win- win situation, your partner will be open about it and willing to try this with you. One way to determine what the other person potentially thinks of it, bring it up casually in a conversation. For example, “What did you think of that movie last night when that actor seemed to really enjoy the actresses feet?” Depending on their reaction, you may want to take baby steps or come out and tell them about your fetish.
While I would advocate for honest and open communication, sometime the fetish can be incorporated into the relationship without it being talked about or made an issue of. For example, if you have a foot fetish, try rubbing the other person’s feet or holding them. As a girl, I love having my feet rubbed and touched, so it would be a non- issue.
Revealing a secret like a fetish may seem intimidating- especially if you fear rejection, but keep in mind this might be a great opportunity to have your relationship develop further. If they seem into it, then you know that person is definitely worth keeping around for a while.
Keeping the fetish but not continuing in the relationship
For some people, fetishes are a part of who they are fundamentally. In one extreme, the person may think that this has made them who they are but it is really embarrassing and they really want to ‘get rid’ of it. If this is something the person really wants to do, they can do this through a series of therapy- for example desensitization. In this case, the fetish becomes a non- issue. We’ll get to this more later.
On the other hand, the fetish makes the person who they are and they couldn’t live life without it. It has been ingrained upon them and they don’t want to give it up.
When someone has such a deeply held fetish they want to keep around and they haven’t told their partner yet, the partner’s acceptance is particularly important. If it doesn’t cause harm to other people, yourself, or your regular daily life, giving it up wouldn’t make much sense anyways.
Depending on the circumstances, it may be a big surprise for your partner to find out about it and they might not understand at first. Give them time to come around and ask questions. Remember, it took some time for you to integrate this part of who you are into your lifestyle, so it may take them some time as well.
If your partner does not like your fetish and you don’t want to give it up, it is time to let go of the relationship. While this is not desirable, think about it in this way: if they can’t accept your fetish, it was never meant to be. You deserve to be in a relationship where your partner tries to understand you and loves every part of who you are.
Staying in the relationship and getting rid of the fetish
While this may also seem undesirable to some people, it may also be the only option. Really look at the fetish on a deeper level and ask yourself the following questions to see if this is the best choice for you:
- Is it interfering with your job, family life, or social obligations?
- Is it causing you to go into debt?
- Has it become an obsession for you and you think about it ALL of the time?
- Is it causing you or someone else physical harm (to the extent medical attention is needed)?
- Is it negatively effecting your life in some other extreme way?
If you said yes to any of the above questions, it is probably time to consider giving up the fetish, regardless of the relationship your in.
In most cases, I wouldn’t recommend giving up a fetish for a relationship if any of the above are not affirmative. I am a firm believer that communication is key in everything- I also believe fetishes are a part of your personality, good or bad. Perhaps this may just be a clashing of personalities if it can’t be resolved.
The only reason that I would advocate for getting rid of the fetish if none of the items in my checklist are affirmative: The person wants to get rid of it from the get- go. If the person gets rid of the fetish because the partner insists upon it, it can lead to resentment and other bad feelings.
If you still need some questions answered and need some additional coaching, give me a call. I can answer questions, role play the conversation you might have with your partner, or if you just have some questions about the relationship your in, I’m available to help.
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fetishism
posted
Friday, October 23, 2009 1:17 PM
by
compassionateandcaring
Hello Everyone,
It is such a beautiful day outside and I am ready for the weekend- going on a nice day trip. I'm sure your all ready for the weekend too!
I
am excited to work at such a great company like Ether- I have been here only for a short time but enjoy it already. So, I just wanted to take this opportunity to let you
all know a little bit more about me and who I am.
I like to do many things in my free time- exercise, knit, bowl,cook, read a good book, travel to interesting places, take walks around my neighborhood, and just hang out with my friends to name a few. I have a lot of life experience and can definitely relate to a lot of problems others are having.
A little bit about why I like working here so far. Well, first of all, I have a
graduate degree in social work. I am also an expert counselor in many
areas like drug and alcohol counseling, motivational counseling, and
financial counseling just to name a few. I really enjoy helping people
get the life they really want, whether it is getting the career they
want, helping with their relationship problems, or just getting out of
a rut.
I personally feel no one deserves to feel like they
have no control of their lives or that there is no way to get ahead. It
has been my personal mission to help those around me get what they want
out of life, and I know that I can do the same for you.
If you
are new to Ether or a returning customer and are a little nervous to talk to me, you can
email me to start out. For those that are more confident but just need
a little fine tuning in your life, calling me at first would be the
perfect option- I can get you those results and answers for you that
your looking for right off the bat.
I look forward to talking to you all and helping you on your life's journey,
Compassionate and Caring
Are you feeling depressed about your romantic prospects? Well, help has come. I want to give you some tips on how to get the relationship that you want and nothing less.
I'm very curious about this thing called dating. So, I've studied many books, talked to many kinds of people, and done a lot of my own research simply because I find it fascinating. On a personal note, I have many years of experience dating different kinds of people- I have been there and know what it's like.
I have to warn you in advance first: not all of my ideas and suggestions are easy. It requires a lot of self analysis, so if your ready, please feel free to read on.
The first thing I want you to do is to look in the mirror. Start becoming the person you would want to be around. This may be the most difficult part of the process, but it is well worth it. Be the positive, upbeat, friendly, and lively person that's just waiting to come out. You'll start noticing a difference right away- people will be a lot nicer to you as well and will notice you more.
Start exercising more and eating healthier. I don't mean to step on any toes here, but making your health a priority is not only good for yourself, but initial attraction is pretty important in a relationship, as I am sure you probably already know.
I found an interesting piece of information the other day. According to
Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction), "The
matching hypothesis proposed by Goffman (1952) suggests why people
become attracted to their partner. It claims that people are more
likely to form long standing relationships with those who are equally
physically attractive as they are."
Other than exercise and eating better, perhaps it's time for a change in your wardrobe, haircut, and grooming patterns. I’m not asking you to break the bank here, but get a few pieces of clothes that are well made and of good quality. Get an honest second opinion on those new items from someone of the opposite sex just to make sure. Good, quality makeup and a quality haircut are also well worth the investment. Guys, please trim those bushy eyebrows and trim random pieces of hair (a really long hair growing out of your ear might be pretty distracting on your first date). Breath mints and a nice scent are a must as well.
If you are willing to spend the extra dollars, perhaps a image consultant/ coach can give you a few personalized tips on what to wear, how to present yourself, and give you some good ideas on what to talk about on a first date. Not only will this help you out in your personal life, but it can help you in your professional life as well, so it can be a great investment.
Is all of this overwhelming you? Take it slow and focus on the most important things. As I've mentioned, I’ve been in many kinds of relationships. Coming from my point of view, the things that really attracted me to that person were: confidence, they look like they take care of themselves, not too much emotional baggage, and a warm heart. If you can pull those things off (which I am sure you can), then you are ready to get started.
Now it's time to make the list of what you really want. Be realistic here and don't be afraid to ask for second opinions about it. Set the standard high, but not too high. For example, a few things on my list were: they lead a healthy lifestyle, they don't feel the need to get drunk or high, they like learning, and they can laugh at themselves. I chose these things because they are all something I value. Choose the things that you value in life and look for the same qualities in your potential partner.
I will give you some quick tips on meeting people. First of all, please remember to keep up your appearances because you may never know where you might meet your love interest. Bars are not good places for long term relationship potential these days, so you need to broaden your horizons. Instead of bars, you might just find the person of your dreams in line at the grocery store or at the gym. So, remembering to wear makeup (if your a girl) to all the places you go is a good key to success. Another way to meet people is going to social events or public places that you feel comfortable at. If you like reading books, go try to meet people at the bookstore. If your into wine tasting, go to a few wine tasting events.
When meeting new people, be honest, direct, and confident. Give good eye contact, smile, and laughing at the other person's jokes are always a good way to get things started. Some people like their personal space, but some people like a small amount of touching to show that your interested. Use your judgment here- for example, touching elbows and the small of the back is ok for most people.
Now that you've gotten a first date, do something you've never done before but that you've always wanted to do. Ever wanted to go scuba diving? Take a class during your date. Or go for a hot air balloon ride. Personally, I've gone skydiving on a first date before. I don't think I will forget that anytime soon. You don't need to do those kinds of things all the time, but just do things together that you both really enjoy doing (or just want to do) is a great way to get to know each other.
Remember that meeting people is half the fun, so just remember to have a great time. I'm sure that you've heard many times that lots of people meet their partners when they least expect it or weren't looking for someone at the time. Don't feel like you have to put a time frame on love, let it come to you.
If you want more personalized advice on how to get that relationship you want or ideas on how to build a deeper relationship, please feel free to contact me.
Is there something you would like to ask me but are too nervous to call me? You can follow this link:
http://www.ether.com/Mail/Action.aspx?mailId=182916&cd=NAIHzegdfFgqi8psAGiF2Q%3d%3d
posted
Tuesday, October 13, 2009 6:37 PM
by
compassionateandcaring
Ever wonder if there was a magic 'happy switch' that you could just turn on and you would be happy? Unfortunately, if there was, we would already know where it was. However, there are some ways to change your lifestyle that will make you happier in the long run. It will be a gradual process as your body slowly gets used to your new lifestyle, but its just that, a new lifestyle and not the next fad that will fizzle.
I will give you some tips on each lifestyle change in a more easy and gradual way that you can incorporate them into your lifestyle.
Get 6- 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night.
It is amazing how much we need sleep. It is not always easy for those us of us that have busy schedules or have a difficult time sleeping without getting up in the middle of the night. Here are a few ideas on how to get a more restful sleep:
- Take a bath before bed- put essential oils or bubbles in there if you have any.
- Don't drink any alcohol or caffeinated product before bed. Instead, drink chamomile or green tea.
- Instead of exercising at night, exercise in the morning. This gives you time to cool down the rest of the day.
- Try and do some meditation before bed. If you are too busy for 10-15 minutes of meditation, try breathing exercises.
- Make sure you have a dark, and if possible, quiet, sleeping area. A mask and earplugs can be very useful when trying to sleep.
- Finish eating at least 4 hours before you sleep.
Get exercising if you aren't already.
Exercising will give you more energy through the day. Another great thing about exercise is that it creates more endorphins, which make you happy.
- If you have enough time, go to the gym and do aerobics for 30 minutes three times a week. Most gyms offer classes like yoga or spinning.
- Incorporate exercise into your daily life- park farther from the store and walk, walk up stairs instead of taking the elevator, walk to the water cooler to drink water more often, etc.
- Do a few sets or reps of weight training on commercial breaks from your favorite TV show. Wake up and stretch every morning and stretch on breaks as well.
Eat more healthy foods.
This is pretty straightforward. If you eat good food, you feel healthier; if you feel healthier, you feel happier.
- Eat smaller portions. And more of them spread all through the day. This will speed up your metabolism.
- Drink more water. To make it taste better, put some lemon or vanilla extract in it.
- Instead of ice cream, eat low fat yogurt with berries on top of it. And instead of chips or candy bars, eat nuts or baby tomatoes.
- Eat on smaller plates.
- If you have a family, make it fun- have them help you out with dinner and show them how to prepare some delicious low fat dishes.
- Chew gum or brush your teeth often- you won't be as tempted to eat when your not hungry.
- If possible, eat only at the table or work room so you will be more conscious of what your eating.
- Tell a friend about your plan so that they can give you moral support or a good recipe.
Is there something you would like to ask me but are too nervous to call me? You are welcome to follow this link:
http://www.ether.com/Mail/Action.aspx?mailId=182916&cd=NAIHzegdfFgqi8psAGiF2Q%3d%3d