Why Can’t I Get Over this Lover?
I’m asked almost daily by heartbroken clients,
“Why can’t I get over this lover?” This is an equal
opportunity dis-ease. Meaning that age, sex, cultural heritage,
religion, professions all melt away to irrelevance in the face of love
heartbreak. We’re all the same,
“Why does so-and-so, who has rejected me… or is mean spirited,
and/or in love with someone else adhere to my soul like crazy glue? I
dream about them, worry about their welfare, think about them every
minute of the day, and just quite simply ADORE them despite how little
regard they obviously have towards me. What is WRONG with me!? Am I
In a desperate bid to negotiate a rational explanation, some people
will decide they must have known this person in another life and divine
providence has reunited them for another shot at bliss. This
explanation is especially salient if their meeting was synchronistic, or
they share an extrasensory connection.
Not being a proponent of reincarnation personally,
I find this explanation especially irrational…and well yes bizarre if
truth be told. Why the divine would consider your need to resolve your
supposed past life love issues worthy of such complicated cosmic
machinations is… well, inflated to be blunt. But then my notions of
divine intervention are probably just as odd. My imagination is more
inclined to conjure divinities in possession of one heck of a Teutonic
and rather irreverent sense of humour, Who observe our embodied love
challenge with detached and very occasionally, affectionate curiosity.
There are two primary emotions
that comprise the trunk of our emotional tree. Fear and love. The
rest are branches and suckers that grow off this dual, primary trunk.
Fear and love are opposite emotions. We cannot (or perhaps it would be
better to say should not unless sado-masochism floats your boat) feel both at the same time. When we are afraid we cannot feel love and visa versa.
We often mistakenly believe we cannot hate and love at the same time
but we can because they are the flip side of the same emotional coin.
When we are having difficulty letting go of that forever-after-dream of
the love we shared with someone, we are operating under two illusions.
The biggest one is that you can help that person not to feel so
afraid and thereby let the love flow back in again. Even utilizing all
the power accessible to you in the universe, you cannot make another
feel brave, daring, risk-taking or be honest.
I get asked that a lot too. What can I do to change or fix this?
It’s funny we don’t have any trouble understanding this rather
mean-spirited one-sidedness when it comes to ourselves. Hasn’t someone
had the hots for you and left you feeling rather cold, indifferent and
maybe even, dare I say? A little repulsed? Unless you’re ten years old I
find it hard to believe you haven’t.
Is there ANYTHING they could have done to light your fire in their
direction? Is there anything they could have said or changed about
themselves that would have spurred you to rush at them naked? No? That
too is the same for all of us universally.
The second illusion is that they prefer to feel love
and will choose it freely once they realize how paltry life is
without it. They aren’t like you that way. You might have been on the
same page with just about everything else. But the intimacy part? You
were not on the same page with that. There are Snake Oil sales people
who will promise to change all that for a modest or horrendous fee but
don’t be fooled. No one has the power to change fear into love in a
person’s soul, or water into wine. Remember that parable? Only we have
that power over ourselves.
Don’t feel abnormal or crazy because you love someone so much you
just can’t seem to get past it. That is the risk you were willing to
embrace. Be excited about your own bravery and honesty. That is the
gift of love. Know that by keeping up the faith and giving of yourself
so generously and lovingly, someday in the not-so-distant-future,
another will spot your light and rush towards its glow with the same
abandonment in which you are prepared to give.
In the meantime, it’s really the dream of sharing that depth of intimacy
that is keeping you stuck in the ruminations, recriminations,
pondering, wishing, yearning and yes at those irresistible moments,
texting! The desire to connect is powerful in us – its one of those
hard-wired aspects of our psyche that is linked to survival,
reproduction and safety.
The most helpful thing for you to do is to pray for them. Pray for
their happiness, good health and spiritual enlightenment. Send them
your love (not by texting, NO texting) in your heart. One day you’ll
wake up and realize you have moved on and that really sexy, sweet
smiling person you met the other day…is wondrously taking up more and
more of your psychic space.
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